Motherhood….It’s Not The Same For Everyone

Yesterday Beyoncé singlehandedly broke the internet with her new maternity photos. If you’ve been living under a rock, she announced that she is expecting twins with her husband Jay-Z!!! If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I am a card carrying member of the Beyhive! I am ecstatic for her and the family! (Images below courtesy of Beyonce.com) 

These images got the internet buzzing, (as she always seems to do), with different conversations on Motherhood and the like. It got me to reflecting on my journey to Motherhood, and I got to writing this blog post. One of the most personal I’ve written to date.

In my personal life, I get asked the question, “When are you having more kids?” or “Aren’t you gonna try for the girl?” at least four times a month. Once I posted Beyoncé’s picture on my social media, I got asked again. (Insert rolling eyes emoji) Let me be clear, I have absolutely no desire to have any more kids, nor do I feel sad that I do not have a girl. Here’s why: this Motherhood thing ISN’T easy.

I personally have never desired or thought I would be a mom. I was on a fast track in my career, and envisioned myself to be like Oprah; very successful, in a committed relationship with no kids. So in 2009, when I found out I was pregnant with Caleb, and had just got promoted at work, I was not in the mind-frame of becoming someone’s Mom. Selfish I know. I called my Mom hysterically crying and confused, and she assured me it was meant to be and she was on my side no matter what.

Caleb was delivered via an emergency C-Section, December 2009. It was not at all the delivery I had envisioned and I was depressed. Coupled with so many other personal factors at the time, I felt like I was just existing and going with the flow. I mean you have to happy when so many people are happy for and around you right? Chin up babe!

The recurring themes were: How was I gonna do this? Am I cut out for this? But like I do with most situations in my life, I find the strength and push through! I threw myself into Motherhood, took time off from work, and focused on this new little person!

Most days I was happy, others not so much. I felt like I was losing my sense of self. You get caught up in this new life and it’s so easy to put yourself last and feel neglected. I have a great support system, so when I was feeling down, I was able to go out and get my nails and hair done. These are things I was adamant on continuing to do, even as a new mom. That’s just the kind of girly-girl I was. I think it’s very important to still be YOU, it helped me on my worse days tremendously. So did shopping and dressing up this new little guy! (#chicmom)

Fast forward to a little after Caleb’s first birthday, I found out I was pregnant again! I was completely in shock, and once again FEAR. How was I gonna have a baby, while Caleb was a baby?! Once again I slipped up and down the emotional roller coaster, but pushed forward. Like these things happen because we let them, if you know what I mean LOL! The one thing I was determined to happen this time around was, a natural birth! I researched having a vaginal birth after c-section like no one’s business.

I found a team that was willing to help me have the birth that I wanted and I felt much better physically this pregnancy. I wasn’t back to work as yet, and Caleb was an active toddler at this point so I had my hands full.

Joshua was born naturally, no epidural in August 2011. Caleb wasn’t exactly two yet, and I was now a mother of two boys! Today I couldn’t be more proud of my boys, and the blessings that they are. But it is hard, and most days I struggle emotionally with all my responsibilities, the balance of it all, and still being KARESE!

Beyoncé is blessed, and so will be the case for her kids. She will have the best of the best staff supporting her in this new chapter of life. I do not have it like that yet, so I will play the hand I have been dealt and prosper here in this space. If I were to have another kid, I am telling you now, I would rip my hair out and run away. I can not handle it emotionally, physically, mentally or financially at this point!

Motherhood chose me. I know that is not the case for many women out there. Sooo many women want kids so bad and it doesn’t happen for them. Keep on fighting, I am praying for you to find your happiness. I am grateful for my family, but know that it took me a long time to get to my happy place in this life. Many days I struggle like many of you, but I am here to tell you that we can make it through. I am happy here, I do not want anymore kids, please stop asking me!

Congrats to the Queen, I can’t wait to see her new bundles of joy, and what she will name them!